So it’s been almost a week, and I’m desperately searching for God in the middle of this situation. I am so incredibly frustrated…with myself first, with my church, with the people around me who seem so oblivious. In the space of only a few days, nearly everything about the music ministry has been turned upside down. The service, the lighting, the choir—all of it is suddenly different, just because the music pastor has left.
I’m aggravated and angry and frustrated and disappointed all at the same time. But I still don’t feel anything.
Yes, I know, those are all feelings, but even though I know that’s how I feel, I can’t actually sense anything in me that is different. I have always dealt with change and difficulty (well, almost always, anyway) by letting it roll off my back and just going on like everything is normal. I always just went with the flow, and I thought that was normal and healthy.
Now I’m not so sure. I mean, everyone around me is still crying about Jon leaving, but at the same time, no one seems concerned that everything he worked towards for thirteen years has been tossed out the window in under a week. It’s like there’s no respect for anything he had done, no consideration for his legacy. It makes me wonder how many of the tears I was so jealous about last week were really crocodile tears.
So I have a dilemma. I’m surrounded by people drowning in puddles of insincerity, but I can’t shed a single honest tear. It’s like a sneeze that won’t sneeze—I know it’s there, I need to let it out, to release the emotion that’s building up, but it just won’t come. So I keep wondering if the emotion isn’t real after all…if perhaps I just think I’m “upset” because that’s what is expected of someone who claimed to be such good friends with Jon.
On Sunday, despite everything that was going on, I didn’t feel like it was any different than any other Sunday. Wednesday night, despite the significant changes in the whole service, I didn’t feel like it was any different. Last night, despite the indiscriminate changes in the choir routine, despite the fact that it should have been the tech rehearsal for the Easter musical we aren’t having this year, my emotions were telling me this is an average weekend just like any other weekend.
There is a serious disconnect between my brain and my heart and I don’t know why.
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