I had an experience recently that makes me wonder whether God’s will and his plan for my life are inevitable or dependent on me, and exactly how much I’m really an integral part of the process. Either way, I’m not sure whether I feel comforted or encouraged or manipulated or worthless.
“God isn’t petty,” I have to keep reminding myself. And I know all too well that he works in zig-zags most of the time. But it doesn’t make me feel any better at the moment.
I had a job interview on Tuesday. Should have been a cinch, though I certainly didn’t take it as such when I was prepping for it. There are 3 openings in my school district for principal at once—something completely unheard of. That just doesn’t happen. This is something I’ve been working towards for years. My credentials and experience are perfect. Most of my colleagues generally assume I’ll be starting the coming year in a new position as principal of one of the three buildings that have openings. It’s just a given. In fact, even some of the administrators have commented on looking forward to seeing me achieve that goal and to working with me in that new capacity.
Something I hadn’t shared widely with my colleagues, but that my small group and close friends knew was that it wasn’t just a personal or professional ambition. I felt called to administration, in much the same way that people tell me they are called to the ministry. There is a draw on my heart for that kind of work, and I believe that God has been laying the foundation for me to move in that direction through opportunities and training and a tug in my spirit.
So I arrived at the interview on Tuesday with some anxiety but a great deal of confidence. In the words of one of the people I had talked to recently, I was a “shoo-in” for the job. I knew there were some other highly-qualified people interviewing as well, some of whom I’d worked with for years, so it wasn’t an absolute guarantee, but with three openings, I didn’t see how I could miss.
I sat through almost two hours of in-depth interviews with three different teams of people. I knew all but four of the interviewers, and most were people I’d worked with closely for many years. They knew me, they knew my work, they knew my passion for education and for children. All of them knew that I wanted to serve the district in this new role, and most had at one time or another expressed the belief that I would make a good principal. The questions were tough and thought-provoking, but I had prepared well and was able to answer most of them with confidence and clarity. A few were unexpected, but I was honest about my thoughts and did my best to answer them. The responses I was getting from the teams were positive.
After each round of questions, there were a few minutes left for me to ask my own questions. In each room, I asked the teams to tell me what qualities they were looking for in a principal. Almost universally they identified things that I had referred to in earlier answers or things that we both knew were traits that I had in some measure. I left the building that day encouraged and strengthened, feeling even more like I couldn’t miss.
So the next day, when I received a phone call from the assistant superintendent, a man I’ve worked closely with for many years and whom I consider not just a trusted colleague but also a friend, I was certain I was going to have to begin preparing for a second round of interviews, or possibly the final interview with the school board.
“I’m sorry to have to give you some bad news, Gerald, but the committee did not select your name to go forward to the school board. In many ways it really tears my heart, because I know how hard you have worked. You have done all the right things, you have all the right experience, but it just wasn’t a strong interview.”
I’d missed. And from the sound of it, it wasn’t even close—I think that not only did I miss the bull’s eye, but the entire target may not have been in any danger of being hit.
Of course I’m going to take the opportunities I have in front of me now to learn from the experience and grow and seek God’s will and his support and direction, but that’s not really the issue that concerns me at the moment–the issue that has been burning in my heart for three days.
Is this part of God’s plan, or did I somehow manage to take that plan and throw it all away?
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