So now I’ve had some time to ponder this whole mess I’ve gotten into. I had a perfect opportunity, a huge open door, God lit the way there for me, handed me directions, sent me a limo even, and somehow I’d managed to slam it shut.
Several possibilities have occurred to me. Perhaps God’s plan for me was to be a principal in one of those buildings and despite my efforts and willingness to go, I bungled the plan, and God is now sitting up in heaven scratching his head wondering what went wrong. Or maybe God’s plan was never for me to be in that job, but he dangled the possibility in front of me, teased me with it, lured me in, and when I took the bait, he threw it away and me with it. Or it is possible that God wanted me there, knew how much it meant to me, but is punishing me for my disobedience in other areas, for not paying as much attention to him as I should be. I don’t like any of those options, and I’m not sure I like the God that would set me up like that.
At this moment, on this side of things, either God’s plan didn’t work out right, or God’s plan is working perfectly. Neither option seems particularly encouraging to me right now, and either way, I lose, somehow.
When I think about the possibility that God’s plan is less than perfect, I wonder whether I could handle things just as well (or possibly even better) on my own. Following God is tough, and it’s not always pleasant. He asks me to do things sometimes that I don’t like or that I don’t want to do, and I have tried to be faithful to that. So when he asks me to do something that I actually want to do and it fails, where does that leave me? Should I bother going along when it’s something that I don’t like? Maybe that’s going to fail too. Maybe that’s going to end up making things worse instead of better. Maybe I really was better off when I was managing my own life. And if the things I do can mess up God’s plan even when I’m trying to follow it and be faithful, then what’s the point of having the plan in the first place?
I’m not sure if the other possibility is better or worse: that God’s plan is working perfectly despite what I do. That in itself has two very disturbing sides to it, at least in my mind, where I am now. Either God is malicious, or my efforts are irrelevant. What if God is putting me through this to punish me or to test me or whatever? He led me here, I followed, and the rug was pulled out from under me. He deliberately hurt me. Why should I follow that God? What if God is going to put me in the place he wants me regardless of what I do? Then I should just live my life by coasting along, doing whatever I want, and everything God wants for me is just going to fall into place anyway, so why bother making any effort at all? Why work at anything? God’s going to make it happen anyway if he wants, and if he doesn’t, no amount of effort on my part will make a difference, right?
There really has to be more to this. The God I know (or used to know, or thought I knew) isn’t like this. He loves me, cares about me, and wants the best for me. He’s not capricious, malicious, or petty. On the other hand, he wants me to follow him, to be faithful, to work, to try. My effort matters, but so does his plan. I just can’t see how it’s possible right now.
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I really feel for you as I have been in the same situation a few times before.
Jobs that I was perfect for I was passed over for but then on the flip side jobs that I was unqualified for I got. Why does this happen?
I believe that there is a place of blessing. If you can imagine, it is like those little cartoon rain clouds that will sit over a person and rain only on them. Imagine that the rain is the blessings of God.
The difference is that God’s rain cloud of blessing doesn’t follow you like in the cartoon – you have to follow it. If it moves and you don’t move with it you are out of the blessing. If you move and it doesn’t you are out of the blessing.
I say all that to say this – if you did not get that job it is either 1.) because that was not God’s “best” or plan for you, or 2.) you bombed it really bad and now God (and maybe you) have some cleanup to do.
I have been in both situations. My wife and I were supposed to become apartment managers at one time. Everything was perfect to get the position but we didn’t. We could have really used the free rent at the time.
In talking with my Pastor he reminding me of the responsibility that would have come along with that job. People knocking on the door at all hour with backup sinks and what not. I thought about it and realized that I would not have enjoyed that very much.
Then a few months after the apartment episode the complex was sold and the current managers where fired and had to move out. That would have been a terrible situation for my family.
The thing to do is to question God why this did not work out the way you thought that it should and be open to whatever he tells you. There were years that I thought that I was going down God’s path but things were not working that great. Once I really opened my heart to hear whatever God told me then I found out my error and started making corrections to get back to that place of blessing.
Are you still around?
No posts in a long time.
Yes, still around. I’ve been busy, but I do plan to start blogging again soon. Between moving to a new house, being swamped at work, becoming the leader of my small group, and moving my site to a new server, I haven’t had time to write, but I guess I’m out of excuses now, right?