October 12, 2007
Well, I figured out a way to cut off the last tendon of my hand and think I finally really threw it away. Not to say there won’t be the temptation to go rooting through the trash tomorrow or next week or next month, or sometime down the road to try and find the landfill it ends up in, but I have to lean on God to avoid giving in to that temptation. He’s the one who knows the next step and the one after that, and He’s the only one who can teach me how to live this new life He has planned for me.
There is however, another side to this—the fact that the hand that I had to cut off was another person, another child of God, not just a nameless sin. Yesterday, I quoted Matthew 18:8 in reference to cutting off the hand that causes me to sin. But there’s also scripture that says we need to reconcile with our Christian brothers, and I’m really wrestling with the meaning of it all.
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August 5, 2006
So now I’ve had some time to ponder this whole mess I’ve gotten into. I had a perfect opportunity, a huge open door, God lit the way there for me, handed me directions, sent me a limo even, and somehow I’d managed to slam it shut.
Several possibilities have occurred to me. Perhaps God’s plan for me was to be a principal in one of those buildings and despite my efforts and willingness to go, I bungled the plan, and God is now sitting up in heaven scratching his head wondering what went wrong. Or maybe God’s plan was never for me to be in that job, but he dangled the possibility in front of me, teased me with it, lured me in, and when I took the bait, he threw it away and me with it. Or it is possible that God wanted me there, knew how much it meant to me, but is punishing me for my disobedience in other areas, for not paying as much attention to him as I should be. I don’t like any of those options, and I’m not sure I like the God that would set me up like that.
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July 30, 2006
I had an experience recently that makes me wonder whether God’s will and his plan for my life are inevitable or dependent on me, and exactly how much I’m really an integral part of the process. Either way, I’m not sure whether I feel comforted or encouraged or manipulated or worthless.
“God isn’t petty,” I have to keep reminding myself. And I know all too well that he works in zig-zags most of the time. But it doesn’t make me feel any better at the moment.
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